i… just… don’t know.
i really think the sex is blinding my ability to see things clearly with george. i don’t think i’ve been able to say that ever. but i do think it’s the truth. fantastic sex.
but it makes me wonder if i really do want to be in this whole thing, really… i mean, i really do like george. he’s really funny and nice to be with. but, i think he has a bit of a complex about thinking that he really knows me when i haven’t told him much. granted, i tried to explain how i was feeling today. and it went badly. it doesn’t seem like he’s really into emotions. i think he’s got too much going on, which he’s saying that’s me. but i think that’s him.
yeah, i… just… don’t know.
caving.
i dropped a class. i’m going to let myself fail another. and i’m just going to start anew with the new semester. i’m just so done with this semester. i love louisville, yet i’m not embracing it in the proper way. i don’t know what the proper way is yet. i don’t feel like a local yet, that’s a definite. i’m not going to move back though. i like it too much here. there is something about louisville. it’s too beautiful here. i feel like i waste so much time. i know i waste so much time. and then i think about how much time i waste and what amazing things i could probably do with this time… and how i don’t utilize it correctly. i’m just constantly wondering what my future truly holds. i need to put in for a new job. while i do enjoy my job, i just don’t feel like it is truly the right fit for me. i’m scoping louisvilleworks.com again. i can’t help it if i really don’t want to be at this job and i feel like it is truly just not my style. i have work my fifth day in a row. four more to go.
my dating life, per usual, has been interesting. it always comes back to virgil though. things keep pointing to see how things might actually turn out with him. i wish he didn’t live in bowling green. he actually does talk about the possibility of him moving back to louisville, but i’m not going to count on that. but, i finally managed to catch the elusive third date! nathaniel was a wonderful person. fantastic sex. he said some of the most beautiful things to me. looking at him, he was so handsome. but by the third date, i knew it wouldn’t work in the long-term because i kept looking at pictures of virgil and pictures of him with his daughters. and i just wanted to talk to him. i also met lucas during this time. he had just been dumped, he claimed i wasn’t a rebound. however, i was a warm body. he admitted that he would take back the girl who dumped him in a second. i don’t care who you are, don’t use people like that. i did feel that it was necessary to meet him though because him and i had talked off and on just as long as virgil and i have. i feel like all of my curiosity needs to be gone. and virgil has been my first choice for quite a while at this point once i realized that he was actually interested in me. i can’t imagine seeing the way he looks at his daughters in person, in pictures he is filled with love when he is looking at them. it’s beautiful. i still am really trying not to get my hopes up. we have very different schedules. but i know virgil and i both want to be in a relationship; we just have to figure out if we can do that together. he is so handsome and he has looks that could just kill.
i did do something kind of stupid. i just dropped off and stopped talking to him for a bit. granted, he had done the same thing to me. but i shouldn’t have done that. i just hope that virgil will forgive me. that’s all. i finally just want to be on the same page with him. it’s been since june/july.
and i finally gave foster the people an actual listen. fucking amazing!
xii.xxvi
I turn 26 in a little over five days. This online dating thing is still weird. I’ve kind of decided I don’t think I want to be doing it so much anymore. The person that I really like the most right now is actually on eHarmony. That sounds so lame. And we’re kind of taking the whole talking thing relatively slow. He’s pretty cool though and he’s the only person that I’ve talked to that actually contacted me and I’ve found attractive and we’ve really kind of clicked so far. eHarmony has not panned out anything so far. I met that one guy that I refer to as Snaggletooth which is horrible but he completely misrepresented himself and did not include any pictures of his teeth. He also wanted to meet really quickly and it was just kind of weird when I met him. I knew as soon as I had seen him that I didn’t want to talk to him after that initial meeting. But this guy is different so far. But I’m off of match.com now. And I’m contemplating dropping off of OKCupid. I’m talking to a relatively nice guy though right now, so I kind of want to see how that goes for a bit… but I really like the messages that I’ve gotten from Paul (eHarmony guy) so far and I think we’re kind of going at the same pace. It feels pretty decent. I just don’t know how I’m going to play out my whole family and who I am with the whole bipolar thing. That’s always so weird to bring up. I think I’m just going to pretend that I am giving a friend advice who is in this situation and just follow it. Something along those lines. But it’d be really cool to meet someone that I actually connected with. I can tell that on the communications I’ve had with him and with his pictures that I’m at least attracted to everything he’s mentioned so far… but we’ve got a long way to go.
I think I’m about done with the online dating after this whole thing with Paul. I just want to see where it goes with him.
vii.xii
I keep thinking that Jeff is really awesome. But I also keep thinking about how I’m not sure if I want this. I’m having trouble. But I’m actually being smart and not telling him this. I’ve finally learned a fucking lesson or two in this whole dating thing. But I really am not sure what I’m going to do about this yet. I know I need to not talk myself out of it. He’s really a badass guy. He has a hairy back though… but the thought that makes that okay for me is, “Furry people need to be loved too.” I’m starting to be a lot more secretive with my life and it’s weird. I don’t know… it’s like eventually one person finds out the truth… but I don’t know if anyone gets everything. Okay, I seriously need to go and do some fucking laundry or I’m going to hate my life. I just needed to write before I left.
vii.xi
Things have been so unsettling lately and it’s evident by the state of my skin. Sounds shallow, but it’s the truth. My brother confessed a secret life that no one knew of a heroin addiction after being arrested two weeks ago. It was shocking. The things that he pawned were more what was shocking than anything. Gramp’s wedding band and knives that Dad had made. And he would do anything for you, he really would. I just never thought I would never know anyone that had an addiction to heroin. I know that no one sets out to do heroin in their lifetime, but I just never thought it would be my little brother. He’s going to be entering rehab after his court dates, 35 days in a facility in Florida and another 60 days in an in-patient facility up here when he gets back. It’s just going to be hard to know that this is what’s going on or that this is what is happening. It needed to happen though. I don’t know if I can write anything else about it right now though. It’s very draining for me.
I had decided that I was finished with the online dating after finishing up with this last guy that I had started talking to before I had made up my mind on quitting the whole internet shit. What I found to be interesting is that he used the Myers-Briggs Personality test to sort his matches. I had never come across anyone that had used that, and only that, as their “You should message me if…” requirements. Well, as I’ve gotten a refresher on the entire thing, since he is an ENFP he should be with someone that is my type of personality which is an INFJ. In the case of the MBTI for me, it holds very true and it does for Tess who also took it and we are both INFJs. Bobby is an ENJF and it describes him perfectly. So, that was his requirement. He had a different approach than everyone I’ve talked to. He’s like a bigger and burlier guy and I like that. He’s sweet and sarcastic. I like that we can relate to each other and I like that he puts me at ease when I’m feeling nervous. It’s just weird feeling so comfortable with someone so easily. People always talk about this connection and this spark that you have with someone though, and I didn’t believe in it until I met Jeff. Jeff said one of the best things though, and he said in a way that I would say it too. He told me he wasn’t trying to be all “granola-y” on me but he just felt some sort of connection with me that he had never felt with anyone, he told me that his guards were completely down with me. I found that to be really beautiful for a man to articulate something like that. Jeff was really excited about how much his dog liked me. He kept telling me this morning about how his dog had never liked anyone as quickly as she liked me and he was shocked at how much she liked me. She’s a real sweet dog too. Jeff is established and has a house, a nice car, and a great job that pays well. That’s in addition to him already being awesome. His house is modest and just big enough, but was remodeled. It’s really nice and he’s someone that takes care of himself. He’s the first person that I can see something happening with… or at least seeing them for a second time. I am just really excited to see what might develop between us. It should be very interesting.
I think this takes it, major event-wise, to now. I spent a ton of time with Tess over this time off of work and it was fantastic. Went out on the 4th of July where she locked her keys in the car WITH the car running and that was before we even got to the bar. It was fantastic, always have fun with her and Joe. We also went on an investigation to see if Kenny, her ex-boyfriend, might live at this address we had found and it turned out to be an address in a trailer park and it felt like the twilight zone when we entered the street because I had turned down the wrong street first and it was a small street just like the street I was supposed to turn down on and it had all of these little houses on it. But then I went down “his” (still not sure what’s up there) street and it was a trailer park and people were looking at us as we drove around like we were going to steal their shit or something. It was very odd. It was an adventure though. Then I went to Louisville and we spent the night talking and just hanging and we went to dinner the next night when Nick got back into town at The Irish Rover and it was so delicious. Chocolate Guinness cake might be one of the richest things you can have… but it was a lovely dinner. I’m glad I have awesome friends.
Now, I’m tired.
Far too long!
So much has happened… and it’s been fairly interesting.
The streak of no sex has been broken! I got laid finally! I’m patting myself on the back. The guy was a bit weird, but honestly… so am I. One night stand, so it’s like I crossed one off the bucket list too. His name was Brice and he literally is a mix between James Franco and Ashton Kutcher, I see more James Franco though. And it was fantastic sex… and I’m so glad that it was a guy like him to just break that horrible streak of sexlessness. We were almost at a year and a half.
Online dating has been super interesting… i.e., one night stand. But tonight I actually Skyped with a guy that I can see myself somewhat interested in. He was really pretty much adorable. But I don’t get my hopes up about this type of stuff with the online dating. But he was really sweet.
My brother was arrested tonight for horrible things. Horrible things that I just thought he would never do. I can’t blame anyone but him. But my opinion of him is just that I’m so disappointed just because I had been telling people how I was so proud of him for cleaning up his act. And then this shit happened.
I’ve started applying for jobs on louisvilleworks.com, this site is so much better than careerbuilder or monster. I’m really hoping that something comes out of this especially since I’m using Tess’ address. It just seems like I’m not really getting any help from the HR person that I need help from, so since my ultimate goal is to not have a job with the company to begin with, maybe I’ll be able to find a job through this site… that would be totally kickass.
I know what’s going to get me through this week is the fact that I have all week VTO next week. I hope if things keep going well with Matt, maybe I’ll be able to meet him. I should note that what got me was his smile. It was contagious even in pictures and it made me need to know if he really was as genuine as his pictures made him seem to be. He’s the first really promising person that I feel something about. Scary.
I’m going to go ahead and wrap this up. I wanted to catch my life up since I hadn’t written in so long. I’m going to be on top of this shit again. I keep forgetting how much I love to write. I need to get my life together again. I’m promising myself that I am going to do this. I want to lose 20 pounds before I move to Louisville. I think I can do that since it’s looking like it’s going to be in September. I GOT THIS.
Thrice!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice? I don’t know what they say about fool me thrice. I made it a Facebook question poll. We’ll see who comes up with something witty. I have, “Hey, now you’re just doing that on purpose.” Maybe someone will come up with something better.
I knew something was abrewin’ with Zach. At least this time I was comfortable with him. And he was a bit more comfortable with me. And he did tell me that he was an extremely guarded person. I’ve been doing this whole online dating thing and it has seriously turned into more of a social experiment for me. I realized, if I like anyone… it’s Zach. And I just like the random amusing texts that I get from him. I’m getting ready to move and have a new job… and Zach has been being less and less of an asshole. Still has that thrown in there of course because I wouldn’t like him otherwise. Leaving this morning was what I knew it was going to be… awkward. I thanked him for a good night and an awkward morning, per usual. He ran through his schedule for the rest of the month thinking that I think his schedule was going to be open after this next weekend after Bonnaroo or something and then he ended up in July. It’s funny though, it’s like I know for a fucking fact now that he likes me whether he wants to admit it or not. I kind of realized that when he sent me a message earlier in the week when I didn’t reply to something he had sent me and his reply was, “No laughter?” a half hour later. My message had just not been sent, typical Cincinnati Bell. One of my favorite things about last night was the fact that Zach didn’t ask what my Radiohead shirt said because he knew it was a Radiohead shirt… that and probably because he wanted it off.
I still think he’s an asshole though. He’s my favorite asshole though because I know that he really isn’t one, but I should probably stop calling him that. And it’s definitely a game with Zach. Also my favorite game I’ve got going on. I want to tell him that if there is a fourth time, I have got to make sure he gets off though… that’s just not cool for him. If it takes sex… so be it. Zach might be the only person I trust enough. Maybe that’ll be the fifth. And I know what you say at “Fool me a fifth time?” I plead the fifth.
…
I don’t know how this one is going to be written… I’m just going to write or let it all just comes out I guess. For some reason, I’m still upset about Joe. I think it’s because I know that I screwed something up that was going really well. Or maybe I just think it was like that. I don’t know, either way… it still sucks. And I’m trying the whole match.com thing again and it’s just reminding me that I really liked talking to him and I know it’s completely irrelevant now and I just need to get over it. But I really liked Joe, and I guess on some level I just wish I could change what happened and I wish I could change his opinion of me. And I know that is selfish. I can’t do anything about it though. This is why I’m writing right now because I’m doing all of these weird things. I feel like talking to these guys on match.com is odd behavior on my part. I need to be concentrating on this interview. I will. I don’t know. I guess I just liked how much Joe and I were able to talk about things. But this is what makes me wonder if we were even getting along. It makes me wonder if I was in an episode or something. I don’t think I was. I think we truly were getting along. But I’m still not wanting to really talk to these other guys… maybe because it’s online. I don’t know. I paid for it though so I figure I might as well take advantage of possibly meeting someone that I get along with because I feel like Joe and I are at least going to be friends. And I feel like it’s awesome meeting new people, I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting new people in such a long time. So… who knows.
I need to get in the shower now.
The job.
So the Cyber Lead position finally opened up at work… and I feel like it’s a sign. I had already decided that I was going to transfer within the company in case I didn’t like Louisville, but I got to work and the position that I had been waiting on for literally years had finally opened. It opened when I decided to not go on short term disability even though I had just gone and talked about it but decided to participate on our professional day and look nice and I was having a shitty day. It opened when all of my numbers are in order and it opened when I’m not on any warnings and THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN WORKING FOR. This is what I am GOING TO SCHOOL FOR. This is it. This is my stepping stone! THIS IS IT. FINALLY. Or at least the opportunity is finally presenting itself. I have personal time, I have floater time. I have my hours. I AM GOING TO SCHOOL FOR THIS. And you have to gain experience within the company at some point! THIS IS MY CHANCE. And I’m already reading the book that they give you. I love my life up here. I know that Louisville is awesome. But I have an awesome life up here and now I have the chance to actually get the job that I have wanted. A REAL GROWN UP JOB. At least, in my opinion, a grown up job. I mean… I’ll hire people and actually terminate contracts if I actually am fortunate enough to get this position. This is what I worked for.
I have prayed about this. And I feel like this is my chance. I truly feel like this is my chance. And I have thought about how even though Joe and I didn’t work, I have Joe to thank for bringing my relationship with God to the surface. At least for me to be comfortable enough, with even myself… with just being able to write about it or talk about it BY MYSELF and now be confident enough in my faith to know that it’s not leaving. I have him in the smallest and yet the biggest ways to thank for that. And I have prayed so much for his jobs to fall into place. I want him to get that job at the Sheraton so badly. Joe is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. And even though what I did to him, because I truly was a bitch and I am so sorry about that (whether or not I feel like I have my reasons in being justified in that moment… I wish I could have explained it to him in that moment and been nice and understanding towards him) I just want things to work out for him because he truly deserves it. And I’ll keep Joe in my prayers every night probably for the rest of my life because I have him to thank for opening my eyes. Whenever I do pray, at least for now, he always comes into my mind because he was the first person to talk about faith in a way that really related to me and I don’t know how you thank someone for that.
Here’s knowing that God is only going to bring the best and what we can handle, both for me and for Joe. But I know that Joe and I deserve awesome stuff right now in our lives. I feel like it’s our time to have fantastic stuff happen. There’s no reason not to be positive. I’m going to try as much as I know how to try.
Nashville.
It started out fantastic. I thought things were going really well with Joe. And honestly, he seemed like he was into me too. I don’t think I’ve had this type of rejection. One where I still want to be friends with someone still and yet am so unhappy at the same time. I really felt like there was something there. And I don’t feel like I read too much into it. I just don’t know what happened. I mean, I do. Something just “wasn’t clicking” as Joe kept saying. But he couldn’t tell me what. I know part of it was the distance it turned out. I feel like I’m going to be a broken record. I don’t know what to say, to be quite honest. I’ve been pretty upset all day about it. I drove home a day early although Joe kept saying I could stay if I wanted. And Joe is still a great day, and I’m not going to try and convince someone to like me who is telling me that his gut instinct is saying that it’s not going to work. I live too far away. Even with moving to Louisville. He said he just didn’t have the money or the time to travel the way that we would need to in order for something to work out long term. I feel like I walked in the door with him knowing it wasn’t going to work though. He was still open to having another friend. What sucked was when I was realizing that things were awry. And it was at his concert, when I thought it would be such a good day. And it wasn’t. He seemed like he didn’t want me around. And when the girl you’re supposedly interested in is dressed up and you don’t even bother to tell me that I look nice… something is definitely up. When we woke up this morning and we were supposed to go to church, he just had this look on his face. I just feel so rejected. And I know it shouldn’t matter… but it does in this dumb way. And I know that I get that, “Oh, but you’re only 25!” Yeah, well… that doesn’t really make me feel any better. I still feel like the only thing that all of these guys that I’ve been interested in and these rejections have in common is… ME. And this one is a little bit more baffling to me because Joe was interested and we were having a great time and in fact… we left on good terms and we were getting along really well when I left… I spent the day with him talking about all kinds of stuff AGAIN… and yet, I’m still not what he was looking for. And then only thing he could tell me was, “Something just isn’t clicking for me.” And I don’t think that is necessarily a ‘me’ issue… that may be a ‘him’ issue. I don’t really know. All I know is, I did a whole lot of crying today. And I’m pretty exhausted from it. I called Tess and she’s supposed to call me back, but honestly I don’t know how much longer I can hold out on her calling.
I’m still thankful that I met Joe. I know God isn’t going to give me more than I can handle. I just want things to be kind of normal though. I think I’m just going to give up on this whole dating thing for a pretty long fucking time though. This one was a pretty hard one to take.
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